Contemplating Columbus
11:00 a.m. - September 14, 2003

"So are you married yet, girl?"

That was the first thing out of Virginia's mouth.

I worked as a manager at a large Hallmark store while in college. I hadn't shopped there in awhile and stopped by for birthday cards yesterday. Virg was the first familiar face I spotted and when I said, "Hey Virginia," that was the first thing out of her mouth.

That's somewhat depressing.

It's a generation thing, though. I think. She's just like my grandmother and my great-aunts. The next step is marriage and why the hell is it taking me so long to get there? That's what goes through their minds. These are women who were married by eighteen or nineteen or maybe earlier.

'Kay...it doesn't work that way any more.

So anyway, Columbus. On Thursday Meredith called to let me know that her boss was supposed to e-mail her a job despcription. She would call me as soon as she got it so we could talk about it. Monday at the latest.

"I'd love to take you with me," she said, in her unbelievably cheerful way. She's great and I'd love to work with her. She's professional and actually appreciates what I do for her. Praise is hard to come by in my office. At least from the management. I'm always getting praise from the reps but they know that I hold some power. I send in the paperwork. If the paperwork isn't right, they don't get paid. So I can either correct it for them, talk to them about it, or kick it back and let them figure it out. The nicer they are to me, the sooner they get paid.

And I'm nice. The other girl who does my job is pretty much a bitch. To the reps, that is. We get along fine.

So anyway. Columbus is only an hour and a half away but if I moved it would have to be immediately. I feel better, emotionally, than I did when I first put in for the transfer but the idea of moving at such a short notice is still damned daunting.

Finding an apartment I can afford scares the hell out of me. Packing? Argh. I own a lot of shit. Changing banks and doctors and setting up all of the stuff that goes with an apartment? Argh, again.

Moving to a new area with new people, new single, men? Appealing. And I would have a friend base. It's not like I'm moving a million miles to a town where I know no one. I know Joe and I would get closer and I would fit in perfectly with his friends. We're like twins of the opposite sex. Potentially Gay Tim said the other day, "Every time I come out to smoke a cigarette with the two of you, there's just something there. Some electricity. Why haven't one of you jumped on that?" Yeah, well, for one, Emily had too much baggage.

And I really need to talk to Debbie about it. I already know that she thinks I shouldn't. Her other best friend moved to Florida. She doesn't want to lose me, too - even though I'd only be an hour and a half away. She would feel better about it if I were moving for more money which I'm sure I'm not but she has to look at it a different way. I'm moving for more opportunity. I'm moving for Change. And perhaps a little bit because I never want to run into Big and his wife at some bar or restaurant.

And I'd actually like to talk to him about it, too. If he really is making his marriage work he could give me an unbiased opinion based on my well-being as well. Or he could potentially tell me that his marriage isn't working...and then I'd be all fucked up again.

I have a lot of meditating to do today. Lots of thinking to do while I wash and wax my car...which I still don't feel like doing.

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