Limbo & a Confession
4:19 p.m. - August 31, 2003

It's dreary and overcast here...my outsides match my insides as Carrie Fisher wrote.

I've spent most of my weekend sleeping. Exhausted. Unable to get up off the couch. I think, yesterday, I managed to get up and clean a bit, wash one pair of jeans, go to my grandmother's birthday dinner, out for two drinks and then home to fall asleep watching Pat and Mike.

Today I got up and planted myself on the couch around eleven, fell asleep around one and woke up at three to finish watching Silkwood. Haven't done anything else.

If I'm asleep I can't think and not thinking is a good thing. I'm in limbo and all I can think about is how happy I will be when it's Tuesday.

Confession time. Perhaps writing it will make me feel better.

My period is almost three weeks late. It will be three weeks on Tuesday. Not almost two, like I thought. It's been so long and my brain had tricked me into thinking it had merely been two weeks. But yesterday I checked to see when I bought my last pack of pills, compared it to a calendar....

Three weeks late.

Three weeks and no sign. I took a test last Tuesday and it came up negative but have been told that there is a chance that a urine test can come up negative and still be positive. Besides that, I spotted for three or four days after my period last month.

I have mild mild cramps, like now for instance, but only when I think about it a lot.

Last night, the smell of seafood made me queasy and I made the 'rents put the doggy bags in the trunk to keep myself from throwing up. I really think that it was merely my mind working overtime but it still scares me.

I had a pap done two weeks ago and still haven't gotten the results back yet which really doesn't have anything to do with all this but I really wish I could remember how long it takes to get them back. I know that I've always forgotten about it by the time the little white card appears in my mailbox to let me know that I'm a-ok. But, then again, I've usually forgetten about my gyno appointment by the time I fill out my time card on Friday and have to scribble out my hour lunch for that day and replace it with anywhere from two to three hours. I spend too much time in that damned waiting room.

I don't want this. A month ago, yes. Now? No. And sure, I don't know that I'm pregnant but I'm still spending most of my waking hours pouring over the details of what could be the rest of my life.

Fact 1: I've never been more than a day or so late. I'm like clockwork and can tell you that not only do I get my period on Tuedays but that I get them late Tuesday.

Fact 2: I have been stressed out which I know can mess with a girl's period. But for three weeks? Could I possibly skip one all together? Never done that before. Past stress has never made me, as I said, more than a day or so late.

Fact 3: I'm Almost Three Weeks late.

So, to calm my mind and body I'm calling Dr. K's office first thing Tuesday morning and demanding that they bring me in for a blood test. Besides, couldn't there be something else wrong if I'm three weeks late?

I've got symptoms, all those little things that women talk about, that are clues but they could also be part of the stress I'm going through. So you can see why my mind is working so hard, working overtime through every waking moment.

I'm still in love with Big and the thought of bearing his child without him in my life tears me to pieces. The thought of him being in my life without being in my life...leaves me dumbfounded.

But I can't stress too much, can I? I mean, I don't know.

So there. I've confessed. And I really don't feel any better.

I refuse to go camp out on the couch. Must get at least a load of laundry done. Or something.

<< | >>