Sigh
11:18 a.m. - September 06, 2003

Haven't felt much like writing this week so to recap:

I called the doctor's office on Tuesday only have them call me back (several hours later) and tell me I need to wait until I skip my next period before they would bring me in. I knew this but still thought I'd give it a try. Had I been more adamant they might have given me an appointment but I'm not very confrontational.

I should get my period next week and have decided not to stress about it. Sort of. Robyn, the other secretary, is really the only one at work to know what's going on and yesterday she commented not only on the fact that I kept bitching about back pain but that I have to pee a lot. I pointed out that I always have to pee a lot. I have the smallest bladder in the world. She just shrugged.

I have no taste for beer. Now that's weird. I went to the Greek Festival last night and opted for a bottle of water rather than a tasty Greek beer...and then trotted off to the Port-A-Johns.

Argh. I don't think I'm pregnant but I'd like to know. You know, just in case.

So it's almost been two weeks since Big called off all of our plans. I'm getting better but started crying at the General Surplus store last night. There I was, standing in the luggage department, surrounded by stuff that reminded me of him...and I started crying.

I've tried to keep myself occupied. Tim has called every night this week so at least I have that to take up time when I'm not out doing something. That confuses the hell out of me. He asked me to meet him for lunch yesterday and asked if I would bring some paperwork from his mailbox so I thought it would be a working lunch. No, he did prep an account but mostly we just talked. Last night he called on his way to Detroit and then told me he would call Saturday so see what I was doing and yadda yadda. And mentioned that he needed to bring me up there with him sometime. He's like my little faucet. Sometimes I think he likes me as just a friend and then I think maybe it's more than that and then I'm right back to to thinking the former.

I don't want to pursue anything for two reasons. One, the obvious, the Great Wait for Aunt Flo. And two...one word: rebound. And a third - if I picked Tim (or he picked me) - he moves in two weeks. I may be moving as well but still don't know.

Part of me wants to move on, rebound or no rebound. I suck at being single. I miss human contact. I miss having weekend plans, someone to smile at me from across a dinner table. I'd say that I miss that last call of the day...but I really do have that.

Out of desperation I called Big Wednesday night. I got voice mail and decided leaving a message would only be messy and make me feel worse. I really do wish we could be friends. I miss him. And it goes beyond all the girlfriend/boyfriend stuff. I just miss him. I wish I could call him up and say, "Big, my friend, let's go to the Italian Festival tonight, drink cheap wine and eat until we're sick. You know, just as friends."

Nope. Can't do it. I wonder where he's at. Emotionally, I mean.

I hope he's a wreck.

I hope he cries when he hears Norah Jones or Dido on the radio.

I have to change the station. There's a list of about a hundred songs I can't listen to right now. Entire wonderful albums that will go unplayed for a long time.

And I wonder if he kept everything I gave him. Where are the panties that he stole?

I'm cleaning today and plan to make a Big Bag. In go the cards, notes and photos. There aren't many but I can't bring myself to throw them away. I can't even bring myself to erase the "Love ya!" that he scribbled on my eraser board a few weeks ago either. I did was away the "Miss ya!" he left in chalk outside on the same day. Doesn't matter, the rain would have washed it away anyway.

I still wear the ring he gave me. It's a nice ring and I only think about where it came from occassionally. I haven't been able to wear the necklace, though. That's too new and there are too many memories attached. That was a nice day. Our last day, basically.

Enough.

I'm beginning to sound like one of those songs I can't listen to.

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