Saturday Night
9:50 a.m. - September 07, 2003

Thankfully, Lisa and Craig called last night around six. They live closer then Big did and wanted me to come over, drink Coronas and hang out.

I was really surprised to get the call. She and I were friends before they got together and I knew him long before I met her. He and I slept together of few times. At one point I was in love with him. She knew about the sleeping part and, even though they've been together for over two years, she still treats me differently. She can't get over it. He has finally officially moved in even though he was basically living there after the first four months so maybe she finally decided to give up the grudge.

So we drank and then watched Identity. Weird but good. John Cusack is hot.

After the movie we started talking again and Craig I and remembered something from pre-Lisa. I try to stay away from that for her sake but this was so damned funny that I had tears in my eyes. That made her a little uncomfortable but she actually hugged me goodbye and they have plans to meet me at an outdoor concert Tuesday night. A bunch of people from work will be there. So will my parents. That'll be wierd. But fun.

Craig also told me that Doug has been on some milkshake diet and has lost 64 pounds. Amazing. Doug and I dated a few years ago - I guess when I realized I couldn't date Craig I started dating his friends. He was, um, a big guy. That wasn't what bothered me, though. He was incredibly messy. His house was just a wreck and I couldn't handle it. He's a nice guy, though, and I look forward to seeing what he looks like. I will not hit on him out of weakness. He used to be one of my Fall Guys. Someone I could call after breaking up with someone else and date for a bit. Then, just when he probably thought we were okay, I'd disappear. I'm a bitch.

I got a little weak this morning. I woke up thinking about Big. About the fact that, the last time we talked, he couldn't tell me he loved me. She forbid it. That broke my heart. He kept using the word "care" and then finally admitted that he couldn't say that he loved me and why. I flipped out a bit at that. It shouldn't have bothered me - I know that he loves me. I think it bothered me because it meant that he really was going to make it work this time, with a real effort. He wasn't caving at the sound of my voice, even though he said he was glad to hear it. And I was bothered by the fact that I can't remember the last time he told me he loved me (I sort of do, actually) or the last time we kissed, hugged or made love. Because I didn't realize it would be the last time.

So I called the hotel to find that he wasn't staying there. Then I remembered - even when he was going to fake reconciliation - he wasn't going to be here on the weekends. Once in awhile, maybe, for me, but not often. So my weakness was all for naught.

And I've lost that control. That weird control of knowing when he's in town and when he's not. As if it means anything, as if that should comfort me.

I like to be the one ending a relationship (who doesn't) so this is driving me mad.

One of the first things Lisa asked me about was Tim. We went downtown on a Friday, weeks ago, and met them and Debbie and Leo for drinks. Everyone loved him. I was worried that he and Leo would clash. They both need to be in the spotlight. And so does Craig for that matter but he's grown up enough to step back a bit. They got along famously. Tim met Deb, Leo and I out after a DJ gig one Saturday night a week or so later and I think Leo was half in love with him by then. He still talks about him. Too bad they're in Florida (yeah, right) and won't be at the concert Tuesday night. I know he'd like to see them again, too.

Well, I should go wash my car. Too tired and a bit depressed to really do it but I'll feel like I accomplished something if I do. I know I won't feel like finishing up the rest of the apartment after that but there's always tomorrow.

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